Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Rob on The Graham Norton Show


Words fail me slightly in the presence of Pretty. 

Gah.   Unff.   Unghhhh.

See, I knew Rob was pretty. I just didn’t expect him to look SO pretty in real life. And let me tell you, he is sofa king pretty in real-fucking-life.

 If you have read my previous post then you will know how I got tickets to see Rob on Graham’s show. I arranged to meet up with mah TwiSluts Hooch, MzHyde and Honey at the studios. When I arrived just after 4pm (an hour before we were “allowed” to queue) I discovered there were already around 50 people in line. 

When I say “people” what I really mean is “young attractive women”. Not a single man was there, bar the security chap watching us curiously. Joining the queue quickly, I called the girls and suggested they hurry down. We queued in the sunshine in a very windy alley for what seemed like an age! As the queue grew and grew behind us, I came to the realisation that every heterosexual woman in that queue had in them, no matter how deeply buried, a tiny hope that they could capture the heart of Mr Pattinson.

Eventually we were met by a man with a clipboard and a woman with a bag of wristbands. Giving my name, we were presented with blue wristbands and told to come back at 6.45 when the studio doors would be opened
“Why blue?” I asked the lady. Everyone else so far had been given red bands.
“You have priority tickets.” She answered
“Does that mean we get to sit at the front?”
“Err…yeah…” she replied in a non-committal tone.

With our wristbands on, we went and met our TSA friend Penguin and her chick - the most delicious preemie I have ever seen. He was totally gorgeous and it felt wonderful to meet him at last because he’d been a part of our lives since before conception! Then we went in search of wine and food. We stopped at Giraffe on the South Bank in honour of our EvilGiraffe and thought about our absent friends, the TwiSluts who couldn’t be with us to share the occasion.

Meanwhile, at Westfield Shopping Centre…
These rictus grins don’t look forced at all, do they?!

Making our way back to the studio we joined the new queue for blue wristbanders and waited to gain access to the studio. I let out the occasional “Squeeeee!” that I just couldn’t contain any more but, apart from that, we were very calm. As we got inside the studio itself, we were shown to our seats and were really pleased with them. We weren’t at the front but at the back of the front section, in the middle of the seating. This gave us an excellent view of the whole studio floor. It didn’t stop me being slightly envious of those in the very front. I would have sold my first born for those seats…

The warm-up act came on.
He was crap.

And then on came Graham. He chatted with the audience and apologised for all the delays. He explained that they had been waiting for the Rob and Reese to arrive from the premiere but that things would get underway shortly. When it became apparent we would have to wait even longer, he told us a very NSFW story involving a sexual encounter, the “debris” of gay sex and a hungry dog. I don’t think I have laughed so much in ages!

Eventually the signal was given that everyone was ready and the cameras started to roll. Introducing the guests, the cheers and clapping was deafening. There were screams from some nutters fans who had come straight from the premiere too. Graham looked thoroughly bemused. Rob just looked embarrassed. Reese look resigned.

Reese was now wearing a black dress, and Rob appeared to be in a black suit/shirt/tie combo. It may well have been the dark navy suit from the premiere, but it definitely looked black under the studio lights. Rob looked good. Really good. He seemed rested and comfortable, not quite as thin as some recent pictures. He is tall, tall and lean, in just the right proportions. His legs just seemed to go on and on! And his hands?! When his fingers played with his tie I thought I would need to use my spare gusset there and then…

Rob really got into the spirit of the show and obviously knows what the format of the Graham Norton Show is like. Reese on the other hand looked a bit shocked at some of the things that were being said. Graham asked quite open questions and she seemed a bit lost sometimes, especially if the question was not directly related to the film. I don’t want to sound like a hater, because I’m not, but she also sat with her back to Rob a lot of the time, and at one point they almost had a tiff over him stealing her interview anecdotes. When Hugh Laurie performed, Rob sat back and relaxed but Reese just looked bored. I appreciate she had probably had a really tiring day and that the long promotional tour they have done for this film must be tough, but I reckon she is paid a good fee for the privilege. If you don’t want to promote a movie, don’t make a movie.
I don't know if it's just a cultural difference though. She was very tight-lipped, but Rob was more relaxed. He felt more comfortable with Graham's sense of humour maybe.

Included in the interview were elephants farting, doing stunts, animals, Royalty and the wedding, being English in America and dealing with screaming fans - Rob would like to lock them in a basement and play German techno full blast whilst screaming back. 

Hugh Laurie was excellent, both as a guest and as a musical performer, and he is going on my “Older Men I Fancy” list. I may even buy his blues album which is out next week.

So how do I feel about this whole experience? I keep asking myself that question. Today I woke with a feeling much like a hangover. Whether that was just the late night (I didn’t get home until 1.30am) or if it was a come-down from the nervous energy, I don’t know.
What I do know is that I had a wonderful day with some great friends. We shared what is probably a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I feel relief that my friends had a good time and that we actually got to see Rob (and Dean the bodyguard!) in relative proximity. I am shocked that he really is The Pretty in real life, and that he is really normal – just a well brought up young man, enjoying his fame and living the dream. I am also glad I got to see him without the need to camp out on the street for two days - fans who do that are crazy IMHO!!!
I do feel cured of my Robsession though, and for that I am a little sad. I am no looker; I know Rob would never glance twice at me. And so  that little flame of hope, that tiny bit of “perhaps, maybe”, has been extinguished.

Then again, there is always rohypnol…

Friday, 29 April 2011


Mr Team was away with work last night, so I invited a couple of girlfriends over for a Twi-evening. We opened some vino, chucked a pizza in the oven, bitched about our husbands/work colleagues/mothers in law, talked about our periods, et cetera.  One friend had only read the Twilight books and seen the films, the other is a bit of a Fic lover like me. We watched Twilight and mused about the missed opportunities for lemons, then watched "Jump To... Edward" in Eclipse because, really, who needs the rest of the film?

Neither had seen the leaked "shoulders" gif from BD because they don't scour the internet for Robporn or loiter with intent on TwiSlut forums, so I duly opened my laptop and showed them. Once I'd wrestled the computer back from them and wiped the drool off the keypad, I decided to check my email.

Lo and behold an email from The Graham Norton Show, offering me six priority tickets to Tuesday's filming.
With guest stars Robert fucking Pattinson and ... some other people but I'd stopped reading by then and had begun squealing and hyperventilating.

My friends were puzzled by my reaction until they read the email, and there you have it: Three thirty-something women, highly educated professionals, well regarded in their community, married and five children between them, all screaming like Beatles fans.

Fucking sad, eh?
Not as sad as Graham's reaction when he heard that the TwiSluts were coming...
I'm off to book my train ticket now. I still have one ticket free too, so let me know if you can make it to London by 5pm on Tuesday

Then all I have to do is work out how to get the rohypnol into the water glasses and smuggle Rob into a black cab...

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Mission "Shag Pattinson" - Phase 1


I am still recovering from the pics of Rob at the Water for Elephants premier in Germany. He was well groomed, coiffed to messy perfection, that cheeky grin was in attendance, as was a seductive glint in his eyes.
So far, so fuckable...

My eyes roamed further down.
A nice crisp white shirt.
A tasteful charcoal grey tie.


What The Motherloving Fuck?

The boy is in serious need of a new stylist, I though to my slef.
And then I had my "jumping out the bath shouting Eureka!" moment.

I shall become Rob's stylist.
I shall dress him in the finest suits made of silk, linen or see-through food wrap.
The outfits will be made by top couturiers - Gucci, Prada, and those two guys who make fantastic outfits for fairytale Emperors.

Seriously, this idea is totes FTW.

Just think what might happen if I don't get to see him naked dress him?

Rob might end up wearing a suit like this to his next summer premier...

Or this for an awards ceremony...

Maybe he'd turn up at an animal charity fundraiser in this get-up

A boys night out with Jackson and Kellen may see them theme dressing

And gawd knows what occasion he'd wear this for, but I'd pay bloody good money to see it...

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Rob & Jay have a good chinwag...

Leno: So Rob, you like cars huh?

Rob: Well, eh yeah. S'pose so. But right now, I'm really into tits. Team's tits are, like, this big.

Leno: Okaaaaaaay... Now last time you were here, you were reading out some of your Dad's emails. He still sending you those?

Rob: Yes, but the emails are boring. On the other hand, Team keeps sending me these amaxing sexts. I nearly jizzed my pyjamas.

Rob: Team was bending over, showing me what she'd had for breakfast...

<Leno snorts water and splutters>

Rob: ...And all I really wanted to do was spank that juicy arse.

<Interview shizzle blah blah blah new film blah blah blah>

Leno: So Team let you stick your thumb there?!

Rob: Yeah. She was cool. I mean, I used butter and everything.

<cue music>

Monday, 25 April 2011

Ellen: Rob, I hear you had an amaxing night recently with a stunningly beautiful British woman. How did that go for you? 

Rob: Well Ellen, she was irresistable. And insatiable. Best night of my life. 

Ellen: Really? What was so great? 

Rob: Oh the best bit was when I took her from behind, holding her hips like this, as I bent her other the dishwasher.

Ellen: Well, you know what Robert? We have a clip of that. Let's take a look...

A home for all things sparkly, tweedy and lemony.

Welcome to the blog.
Just setting up today, so more to come tomorrow (as the actress said to the bishop < snurk >) but I will leave you with this little piece of eye-candy. Enjoy!
*right clicks and adds to wankbank*